Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
