Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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