when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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