She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
