ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
