last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
