I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
