I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
