i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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