Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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