6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
