mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He better not be in your backpack
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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