you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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