And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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