so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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