I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
