Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
