peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
