He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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