After last night, I could never be a politician.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
