Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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