You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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