While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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