i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
