I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
