I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
