you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
