How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
