she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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