I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
