help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
