I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
