My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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