party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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