His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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