I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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