guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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