I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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