There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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