Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
