I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
