garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
