it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
