I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
