Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
