If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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