On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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