I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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