don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
