her facebook's as public as her vagina
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
