these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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