I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
