I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i believe in u and ur pee
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
