9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
