I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
