She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
