My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I checked into jail on foursquare
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
