gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
