It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
