Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
