well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just cropdusted the office
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
