Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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