Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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