Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
