i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize