I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
