I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
